watching celeb rehab right now with mike, r.i.p, and im to the part where he tells nancy that he did not see Layne die...............he watched him die..........thats the same thing, love mike by the way but slow suicides no way to go.....but ive got it paused and ready to see them talk, he loved layne, we addicts just all do not see what makes others love us, so we fill that void with a substance, and as we depend on it day to day, get used to using every morning as "our cofee" or whatever, it fills in those holes, positive feeling-gaps, self confidence, and so we become like a diabetic "who needs insulin everyday, as described in Layne Staleys last interview in 2002 the year he died. Laynes mother Nancy, saying in the other episode that "it's not a terrible thing to have a 'boring' normal, non rock-star/ celebrity saturated life hits the nail on the head with myself, because I too am an addict, my drug of choice has always been opiates, pain medication, but i'll also admit that when I was using, i chose to use anything in front of me when the oppurtunity presented itself....Luckily I never used a needle and that thought crosses my mind equally with the 'want' to use. I dont see these posites others may see, so I would hide them, or become a recluse in my home. We addicts have a disese and most dont reconize it till they become angry, or show anger to loved ones, the become anti-social because we dont want to hurt them ever again, which is in my opinion the worst phase of addiction. It's lonely, total alienation of self, family, and our friends who just couldn't watch us deteriate any longer.....until we found this new anger in us, anger at our higher power, anger at ouselves! I felt this feeling of what i think was angry, and fed up with my choices and outcomes, it felt like bein in a stray jacket while having a heart attack after a long period of reclusiveness, and this is what lifted me. I came out of the place and room I was in for that long lonely time and after feeling that anger, letting a scream out into my pillow, I knew I was being presented with a 2 choices, die like this, or follow instructions and do the work to get sober. I had let these drugs fill voids, change me constantly, and use up my body for at least a decade. I let the scream out, and it felt good in a way, but knowing all my friends were downstairs, and paranoid they all "hated me" I had just began to choose my road to recovery. I have remained with that anger since that night, no one hated me that was there, they wern't seeking vengeance on me because I have addiction, they did what they knew was best. There was no more telling me "you need to quit", because I never would, I kept making the decision to use, and fade into the background of my life. I listened to every song of Alice in chains, and Layne Staleys other bands/music......some may say "listen to different music" but thats exactly what I was doing. I felt like every lyric, tone of voice, or facial gesture in the dvds I have of them (mostly Laynes

) were meant for me, they were honest, and the collection of their albums, including Laynes band Mad Season, were like a timeline of what they all went thru just as a family does. In the end after self titled was released, before Layne Staley 'reclused and alienated himself' , i got a message from 5 songs on that album "grind", "brush away" , "again", "god-am" , and most of all the song "shame in you" cause I too knew the cycle/meaning of that songs lyrics all too-well, I was almost three weeks off of a medicine called methadone that I was prescribed by request from a methadone/suboxen clinic to help me get off of the common pain pill hydrocodone. I met alot of users who were heroin users, previous heroin users, people who just wanted to get high from the methadone, which wont happen after about a month in a half, and those who will probably be on it for management of their opiate dependancy till the day they die...but hey they manage it. I had an almost cold turkey hell of a liquid methadone/pain pill withdrawl, I even relapsed of ice after seven years and if you knew me seven years before that I would have just been angry at the word ice or mention of that drug. But I had these gaps to fill, I needed energy cause towards the end of taking my 150mg dose every morning I was sleeping almost twenty hours a day, I gained eight from eating a half gallon of ice cream everyday, sure I wasnt drinking or using other drugs, but I expected this 'heroin' similar drug to do the work for me. I was lazy, I was depressed, I wanted to feel the 'high' of the hydrocodone/ect again, and i wouldnt be able to because my opiate receptors were blocked by the methadone. I see mike starr in that situation and remember, how scared I got at that time, I thought wow I pay this place money every month, half of my check, to get me through each day, 'I AM LAZY." So i stopped going up there, miss days, thought I could do it myself. I relapsed on meth or "ice" during the last month i was there. Hydrocodones always gave me energy, and confidence, and the methadone i was prescibed to mage my opiate addiction didnt give me this euphoria and energy anymore. I didnt't wanna be on it forever, that was scary, and I hated the fact My body was not in good shape, and what does ice or amphetamines do, lose weight, non stop energy, and I was gonna do it all by myself I was gonna try to ween myself off of liquid methadone, and use methamphetamine at the same time to cover up those withdrawls. well it made them more noticable, I hurt all over. Methadone withdrawl is often referred to as "worse than heroin withdrawl", sure I was losing a little un-earned loss of weight, and felt smart, but I was reclusive and paranoid. ''Shame in you'',and these songs stuck in my mind so much, and really spoke to me, even though i still had favorites from their previous albums, and had 'listened or heard' them before, I knew I chose this route and I knew I could get out., I was ashamed of almost everything about myself by then, I filled those missing holes in with substances for so long and more and more, too much, and they overflowed my other stabilities. I was insane, I could either keep using and become paralyzed and never see family, friends, or those people I missed that were downstairs trying to act as if they didn't care anymore, who loved me and could not 'fix me' or help anymore cause I made them broke a few too many times and hurt their feelings. They couldnt watch it, I didnt want them to, but when someone you love is upstairs looking at blank tv screen, beyond emotional, and asks and answers their own questions, their only option was to detach at that time, not talk to me, not include me in the fun they were having like everyday people. All I had to do was choose, or take a step forward, or just try. In the song "shame in you", The last verse says..............
"And you must change patterns all we trained
Or n'er regain peace you seek
Now you hear me, for the things I see
Yeah, I believe in inner peace, yeah
Throw out, blow up, hold in
Show fine, no signs, grow blind"