Wanna Hear A Joke?

**onehunglow** · 10-09-2007, 02:10 PM

We use to leave a message for people when they went for coffe or to the can. "Call Myra Mains" and we give them a number to a funeral home. Undertakers have no sense of humor. They would call and say "Is Myra Mains there?". Click. I guess they heard the joke.

Guest · 10-09-2007, 02:45 PM

All of a sudden I feel like I'm in an episode of the Simpsons. Bart~vs~Moe

**b57hrle** · 10-09-2007, 04:00 PM

LOL.. that was cute, I had never heard that.... usually when the phone rings, I say "Mel's Mortuary You Stab Em We Slab Em"..... just before picking up the phone of course.. LOL

**DietCokeofEvil** · 10-09-2007, 04:17 PM

Originally Posted by b57hrle

LOL.. that was cute, I had never heard that.... usually when the phone rings, I say "Mel's Mortuary You Stab Em We Slab Em"..... just before picking up the phone of course.. LOL

My Dad did that to one of my sister's boyfriends when he called...

**b57hrle** · 10-09-2007, 04:22 PM

Originally Posted by DietCokeofEvil

My Dad did that to one of my sister's boyfriends when he called...

Ha ha ha... usually my dad answers saying.... Joe's Pool Hall... Eightball speaking....

**Danny62** · 10-09-2007, 04:24 PM

"Business is just dead this week."

**b57hrle** · 10-09-2007, 04:31 PM

Originally Posted by Danny62

"Business is just dead this week."

Thanks for the laugh Danny!

**onehunglow** · 10-09-2007, 04:35 PM

I never knew what that meant.

**Danny62** · 10-09-2007, 06:20 PM

Originally Posted by b57hrle

Thanks for the laugh Danny!

Actually that came from a Sanford & son episode. They had a couple others I will have to watch the episode I can't remember what they were.

**Danny62** · 10-09-2007, 06:29 PM

Luciano Pavarotti's wife just phoned the undertaker and asked if they could do a funeral for a tenor. They told her to f#ck off!!

**firegilnotguns** · 10-09-2007, 06:39 PM

Originally Posted by Danny62

Luciano Pavarotti's wife just phoned the undertaker and asked if they could do a funeral for a tenor. They told her to f#ck off!!

Bahahaha - love it!

**DeadRinger** · 10-09-2007, 07:05 PM

Surely we've all heard the one about the cemetery or the funeral home being the dead centre of town?

**OBX** · 10-09-2007, 07:10 PM

Seeing all these jokes reminds me of that Clint Eastwood movie and he would be walking past the funeral home and put up the number of fingers on how many caskets they would need. Needless to say, the funeral guy loved him.
Also liked John Wayne in The Shootist when he negotiated his funeral before he died. Classic.

**Danny62** · 10-09-2007, 07:20 PM

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. There wasn't a dry eye in the audience.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When confronted later, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted.

**kelbons** · 10-09-2007, 07:36 PM

Originally Posted by b57hrle

Usually when the phone rings, I say "Mel's Mortuary You Stab Em We Slab Em"..... just before picking up the phone of course.. LOL

LMAO!!! My uncle used to answer the phone @ home, "Crocker's Morturary... you stab 'em, we slab 'em!" Glad to hear we're not the only sick ones!
He also said, "Crocker's Nut House; King Nut speaking" and "Moe's Pool Hall; Cue Ball speaking!"
He's a nut job.

**b57hrle** · 10-09-2007, 07:42 PM

Originally Posted by kelbons

LMAO!!! My uncle used to answer the phone @ home, "Crocker's Morturary... you stab 'em, we slab 'em!" Glad to hear we're not the only sick ones!
He also said, "Crocker's Nut House; King Nut speaking" and "Moe's Pool Hall; Cue Ball speaking!"
He's a nut job.

Roflmao!! and here I thought we were the only ones who did that!!

**Danny62** · 10-09-2007, 07:46 PM

I have two teenage daughters and sometimes when their cellphones ring I ask them to hand them to me and I know its their boyfriend and answer and say something like "Harry's funeral home and whore house how may we serve you".

The line goes dead!!! LOL

**b57hrle** · 10-09-2007, 08:15 PM

Originally Posted by Danny62

I have two teenage daughters and sometimes when their cellphones ring I ask them to hand them to me and I know its their boyfriend and answer and say something like "Harry's funeral home and whore house how may we serve you".

The line goes dead!!! LOL

Oh my word, laughing my butt off Danny........ my boyfriend just told me this hilarious one his mom told him about her brother.... he apparently answered the phone all the time ornery... and one day a nun called the house for their mother and he answered the phone... "Weddle's Mule Farm, which ass do you want" and the nun was so shocked she thought she dialed the number wrong and when their mom found out he got ripped royally! Oh the laughs abound!

**Danny62** · 10-09-2007, 09:03 PM

Originally Posted by b57hrle

Oh my word, laughing my butt off Danny........ my boyfriend just told me this hilarious one his mom told him about her brother.... he apparently answered the phone all the time ornery... and one day a nun called the house for their mother and he answered the phone... "Weddle's Mule Farm, which ass do you want" and the nun was so shocked she thought she dialed the number wrong and when their mom found out he got ripped royally! Oh the laughs abound!

That is funny!!!

OMG

Yeah and they would call back and I would keep answering that way!

The dead air when you say that was priceless!!

**djdeath-hag** · 10-09-2007, 10:40 PM

[SIZE=3]

When I worked "in the biz", my friend/boss/owner had the brilliant idea of ordering ashtrays with the Home's name, phone # & the phrase, "Have you thought to pray today?" When they arrived, I opened the box & called him the back office...."um, were the ashtrays really supposed to say, "Have you thought to die today?" He came running to check.....I laughed and told him it was, of course a joke.....but that his little urns had arrived. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]~Sick huh?[/SIZE]

**Armcast** · 10-10-2007, 12:45 AM

ROFLMAO!

Danny's message took me back to when my dad would answer the phone saying "Fernando's Funeral Home and Masssage Parlor-Double Green Stamps every Tuesday- How may I help you?"

My friends called my house day and night hoping that Dad would answer the phone, however the church ladies all said prayers for him...

**ST Moron** · 10-10-2007, 01:22 AM

Originally Posted by djdeath-hag

[SIZE=3] "um, were the ashtrays really supposed to say, "Have you thought to die today?" He came running to check.....I laughed and told him it was, of course a joke.....but that his little urns had arrived. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]~Sick huh?[/SIZE]

When you say "little urns," does that mean that these so-called "ashtrays" might stand a chance of being confused for an urn holding actual cremains?

Speaking for myself, I would totally flip out if I thought that a dead relative had suddenly started gaining weight.

**ST Moron** · 10-10-2007, 04:17 AM

Originally Posted by OBX

Seeing all these jokes reminds me of that Clint Eastwood movie and he would be walking past the funeral home and put up the number of fingers on how many caskets they would need.

You're thinking of A Fistful of Dollars (a remake of Yojimbo).

"My mistake. Four coffins..."

Originally Posted by OBX

Also liked John Wayne in The Shootist when he negotiated his funeral before he died. Classic.

I liked the Mad Magazine parody of that: The Shootiest.

**Danny62** · 10-10-2007, 11:19 AM

A guy is out golfing with his buddy when the two of them see a funeral procession go by the outer perimeter of the course. The guy takes his hat off and waits for the procession to pass by before putting. His friend notices the gesture and responds favorably and then asks him why he did it. "It was the least I could do after we'd been married 40 years," the man replied.

Guest · 10-10-2007, 11:44 AM

Originally Posted by Danny62

A guy is out golfing with his buddy when the two of them see a funeral procession go by the outer perimeter of the course. The guy takes his hat off and waits for the procession to pass by before putting. His friend notices the gesture and responds favorably and then asks him why he did it. "It was the least I could do after we'd been married 40 years," the man replied.

LMFAO, sounds like something you would do! LOL

**djdeath-hag** · 10-10-2007, 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by ST Moron

When you say "little urns," does that mean that these so-called "ashtrays" might stand a chance of being confused for an urn holding actual cremains?

Speaking for myself, I would totally flip out if I thought that a dead relative had suddenly started gaining weight.

Not at all, I was just trying to make a bad joke worse by referring to the ash trays as "little urns".....there were none in the selection room, btw!

**Danny62** · 10-10-2007, 03:05 PM

Originally Posted by Sweetsumthin

LMFAO, sounds like something you would do! LOL

Now why would you say that? I don't even golf!!

**joplinfrk** · 10-10-2007, 04:41 PM

What do Barnum and Baileys Circus and the Rockettes have in common?
Well, one is a cunning array of stunts!

Get it!?

I read it in Vanity Fair.

**djdeath-hag** · 10-10-2007, 08:45 PM

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you, Joplin!

**firegilnotguns** · 10-11-2007, 07:05 AM

Hahahaha! Love it!

**firegilnotguns** · 10-11-2007, 08:10 AM

:wipes a tear: hahaha, this thread is so great!

**vintagesole** · 10-11-2007, 06:33 PM

My fav is the Ab Fab episode; "Patsy's Stone".

Guest · 10-11-2007, 06:36 PM

A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
"No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit." She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?" He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So, I switched the heads."

**OBX** · 10-11-2007, 06:43 PM

[SIZE=-1]Pavarotti is standing at the pearly gates.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]St. Peter opens them and says, "Oh it's you Luciano, come on in. Squeeze through."
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Once inside the gates St. Peter is about to leave when Pavarotti says, "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you, from the Pope."
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]St. Peter opens it up and reads it..."HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU."[/SIZE]

**DeadRinger** · 10-12-2007, 02:33 AM

[SIZE=2][SIZE=2]There's a party in Hell and here's the invitation.
You'll be met at the gateway for this salubrious occasion.
Don't be late the ferry leaves at twelve.
It's a guaranteed pleasure cruise,
For all dead boys and girls. [/SIZE][/SIZE][SIZE=2][SIZE=2]You'll be met at the door by Miss Marilyn Munroe.
She's still smoking heavily so the bruises do not show.
The guest of honor's JFK,
He'll be talking through his head.
And Bing Crosby's telling jokes,
He's not sure that he is dead. [/SIZE][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][SIZE=2]Party, party, party in Hell.
While the Gandhis are trying to be the Kennedys of India,
And it's three for three,
And no one knows who will be the winner.
Lucretia Borgia's swapping recipes and calling herself Ms.
As Jim Jones from Jonestown hands 'round the raspberry fizz. [/SIZE][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][SIZE=2]Party, party, party in Hell.
It'll be dead keen, it'd be dead fun.
Yeah your life is over,
But your death has just begun.
So come on down and party on,
Come on down and get it on.
Hell is other people and all of them are you. [/SIZE][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][SIZE=2]The reunion concert of the afterlife,
Is playing right down Dante's alley.
The crowd puller for this evening,
Is Mr Elvis Aron Presely.
There's Roy Orbison on lead guitar,
Ricky Nelson, well most parts.
And Lennon's playing flute again,
Through the hole in his heart. [/SIZE][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][SIZE=2]Party, party, party in Hell.
While a lime soaked Mozart is up to his old antics.
Quoting the corpse of Janice Joplin,
While writing symphonies in her panties.
And there's a quiet girl in the corner no one saw her enter,
But it's Sharon Tate about to sing the great 'Helter Skelter'. [/SIZE][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][SIZE=2]So come all you dead kiddies,
Around the dead world.
Life's a bloody bore,
And death's a bloody ball.
So dig a pit and climb in,
Dig a pit and cover it.
Toll that bell there's a party in Hell. [/SIZE][/SIZE]

**John Trim** · 10-13-2007, 01:22 AM

Originally Posted by Sweetsumthin

A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
"No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit." She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?" He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So, I switched the heads."

LMAO Funny Funny stuff.

**ST Moron** · 10-13-2007, 05:47 AM

"....So, I switched the heads."

Originally Posted by johntrim040851

LMAO Funny Funny stuff.

Totally!

Normally I'm pretty good at "seeing it coming." But that joke, no way!

Thanks for telling it to us. [dries eyes]

**Tombstone Tourist** · 10-16-2007, 02:15 PM

Because they're better than lawyer jokes!

What did Liberace love better than roses on his piano?

Tulips on his organ.

Thank you. Thank you very much.
I'm here every night.
Two shows on Saturday.
Try the veal - you'll love it.

**mommafreak** · 10-16-2007, 02:46 PM

oh my goodness, that's so funny.

**don't_axe_me** · 10-16-2007, 02:49 PM

Sign at Joe's Crab Shanck...I'd rather have lobsters on my piano than crabs on my organ

**mommafreak** · 10-16-2007, 02:50 PM

this is good for the end of a work day

**Tombstone Tourist** · 10-16-2007, 03:04 PM

What's the difference between a moose and Lawrence Welk?

Well, with a moose you have the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

**midnitelamp** · 10-16-2007, 04:14 PM

i remember one of the girls on the welk show,can't remember if a lennon sister or not,talking of the strange dichotomy of dressing like shirley temple with an outsized lolly pop,then going home and listening to sgt. pepper on a real killer sound system.

**endsleigh03** · 10-16-2007, 04:19 PM

What do ya call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

**Tombstone Tourist** · 10-16-2007, 04:33 PM

How does Motley Crue know when the stage is level?

When Tommy Lee drools out of both sides of his mouth.

**joplinfrk** · 10-19-2007, 06:39 PM

Since you LOVED my first joke....here's another!!!

This nymphomaniac goes to the supermarket and gets all hot and bothered looking at the cucumbers and tomatos....so, she gets what she wants and goes to the checkout counter...they ask her if she'd like a bagboy to help bring her things to the car. "Golden Opportunity" she's thinking.....so they're walking around the parking lot 45 minutes to an hour, looking for her car and she decides to make her move...she starts rubbing up against him and sticks her hand down his pants! He doesn't seem fazed by this so finally she whispers in his ear, "You know....I've got an itchy p*ssy". He looks at her and says, "Lady, I don't know one Japanese car from the next!".

Come on..it's funny! I have a million of them!!!

**firegilnotguns** · 10-19-2007, 06:47 PM

Ha!

**Shes Not There** · 10-19-2007, 07:57 PM

[SIZE=2]The Boss had to fire somebody.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]He had narrowed it down to one of the two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first person who used the water cooler the next morning.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]The boss approached her and said: " Debra, I have never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]"Could you jack off?" She says. " I feel like shit"[/SIZE]

**joplinfrk** · 10-19-2007, 08:30 PM

Now THAT was funny!

**joplinfrk** · 10-19-2007, 08:32 PM

What weighs 600lbs, wears plaid and swims in San Francisco Bay?
Moby Dyke

(They're my people...lighten up..it's funny!)

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