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| Real Life Rears Its Head A place to share more personal matters. Please remember that the Internet is not a friendly place overall and that you make your own choices what to say and what to believe. |
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#101
10-20-2007, 02:52 AM
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I have to agree with OBX regarding my smoking.........and yes, having seen what I've seen in funeral service, I do ponder my mortality (probably more than most people do.) I am obviously in a great deal of denial about my own health, but DAMN these things are hard to give up. I remember Scott mentioning a program he used to quit, and he was quite successful. My biggest obstacle is just not "being ready." Of course, I'll be MORE than ready the day they have to cut out a lung, won't I. *sigh*
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#103
10-20-2007, 06:35 AM
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#105
10-20-2007, 08:32 AM
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My wife and I quit 8 months ago with Chantax. I had smoked for over 30 years, and have tried everything and failed. You take a pill once a day for a week before your quit date. By the fourth day of being on the pill, I was ready to quit. When I lit the cigerette, and smoked it, it was just there. VERY WEIRD. It was hard at times because of habits, etc, and I have gained some weight, but I AM A FORMER SMOKER. The pills are expensive 130 a month and they say you should take the pills for 90 days, but 30 days was sufficient for me. https://www.get-quit.com/content/Login_Page.jsp If I have done anything in my life, I hope I have helped you towards being a reformed smoker. Remarkable that we are willing to pay for something that WILL kill us.
__________________
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#106
10-20-2007, 08:50 AM
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Thank you, ComputerGuy!!!! I've been considering trying those pills for awhile now. A friend of mine in the UK stopped smoking using something he called "Champix," likely something along the same lines. I did try Zyban once, but broke out in hives and had to stop taking them after 3 days.
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#107
10-20-2007, 08:58 AM
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My quick and easy and cheap way to quit smoking -
Can you do it for 5 days? Can you quit for 5 days? If you can quit for 5 days, then the nicotine will be completely out of your blood stream and then it is just the habit you have to fight. If you drink a lot of water, it will be less than 5 days, but the 2nd and 3rd days are the absolute pits. But after 5 days, the pain is gone and it is just about the habit. Next, do not avoid the people around you that smoke while quitting. If you do, when you do get around them, say 30 days later, it will be like you never quit for that meeting and you will have to battle. So, if you are someone that says, I can do anything for 5 days, you can quit. |
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#108
10-20-2007, 09:03 AM
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Now MBalmer, back to the subject at hand, if I could ask another question. How do the funeral homes get the hospitals to send them the newly deceased rather than the other guy? Spiffs to the guy on-duty, contract with the hospital or what? It seems like the hospital recommends or almost pushes a funeral home, but you can send it anywhere if you are the family. But it does seem that there must be an inside track for someone.
I must admit I really thought about going into the funeral business, but when I get nervous I laugh. The more awkward, the more laughter. I have raced out of church services, funerals, wakes, hospital visits. I spent half my high school life in the hall. I don't know how you guys can keep that sad but positive look on your faces. I am sorry, but between my twisted sense of humor and nervous laughter, I would be sued out of the business. |
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#109
10-20-2007, 09:55 AM
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For OBX, as a rule, hospitals frighten people half to death upon admission with a multi-page form on which there is a space for them to indicate which funeral home they'll be utilizing. If the admitted person isn't able to fill out this form (even conscious people probably need 4 gallons of Gatorade and an attorney to get through it,) next of kin is always asked, when notified of a death, which funeral home to call.
Hospitals don't give a damn where the body goes, just so long as it GOES. We have a brand new hospital here that was designed with everything except a morgue!!! While quite optimistic in scope, that was a major blunder. I think they had to outfit a broom closet next to the pathology lab with a cooler to accommodate expired patients, and let me tell you, it's a tight squeeze to get the removal cot in there. |
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#110
10-20-2007, 10:06 AM
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Last edited by JeffD; 10-20-2007 at 10:11 AM. |
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#111
10-20-2007, 10:21 AM
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Mbalmr, I, too smoke and have for more than 30 years and can relate to you. I also tried zyban and it was quite successful for me, well, for 2 months anyways. I was able to be around people who smoked and the smell of cigs just turned me off. As a matter of fact, it even made me not want to drink (I am a wine drinker). Then one night, something came up that upset me and I poured myself a wine and picked up a cig and went right back to it as if I had never stopped. Two years later, I decided to try it again (the zyban) and it did absolutely nothing to deter my smoking. I then found out from others taking this route and they also agreed that after trying this once, it just doesn't work again. Strange, no¿¿¿ Anyways, I hear that Chantirx, what the computer guy talks about, is excellent! My doctor told me that the only complaint he has heard from his patients taking this is that it makes cigs taste baaaad. Well, duh???? Isn't this what it is suppose to do? LOL! Well, just recently, I believe in The national Enquirer, I read where some people had really bad side effects and killed themselves. They were experiencing horrific nightmares that were very 'real-like' and then did some awful things. When I tried the patches, they did make me dream in beautiful colours, but that was all, no bad stuff. Anyways, I am thinking about trying that Chantrix, but after the holidays. LOL! I guess we smokers always have an excuse, huh? Good luck to both of us!!!!
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#112
10-20-2007, 10:22 AM
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I just wanted to congratulate The Compuer Guy! We know how hard this addiction is to kick! Best of luck to you!
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#113
10-20-2007, 10:23 AM
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It is amazing what they do with bodies. My grandmother died of pancreatic cancer in 1994 and she lost a lot of weight, probably over 100 pounds. Looked really awful at her time of death.
When we got the news I drove my mother there and my grandmother was still lying like she was when she passed. Her face was twisted and didn't look right, not like she was in pain or anything, just really weird. After they removed her I was hoping that this wouldn't be the lasting memory I have of her. That night at the funeral parlor, as I approched her casket, I got a little light-headed. This was the first major death where I would be at a viewing. When I got to the casket I almost lost it. Lying there was my grandmother, the one I was used to. When she was "healthy", she was around 200 lbs and this is what she looked like. Needless to say if freaked me out. I couldn't look at her without getting upset. Thankfully, for some reason, the visitation lasted a few days, so on the day of the funeral I finally was able to stand and look at her without falling apart. I gave her my crucifix necklace and gently kissed her forehead. That is the lasting memory I now have. |
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#114
10-20-2007, 10:30 AM
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__________________
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#115
10-20-2007, 11:40 AM
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I have a question...my daddy looked great in his casket...he had been sick but was doing much better and basically his heart just blew and he was dead very fast ( although my stepmonster gleefully pointed out he died a horrible death!)....someone told me people who go fast look better after death ...is this true or is all really just the talent of the embalmer? |
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#116
10-20-2007, 04:16 PM
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For RoRo: Those poor unfortunate souls who die suddenly and unexpectedly might "look better" in the sense that they didn't suffer from a chronic wasting disease, so they look more like "themselves" than an emaciated person does after death, thus requiring less work from a restorative standpoint. The more work required to "get a body into shape," the more they appear worked on, you know what I mean?
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#117
10-20-2007, 06:20 PM
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And thank you for the enlightening, compassionate and yes, entertaining answers to our questions. You're a wonderful person! 
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#118
10-20-2007, 07:33 PM
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#119
10-20-2007, 07:35 PM
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It's been said many times on this thread already, but thank you so much for answering our questions. There have been times when I have thought about signing up for a mortuary class, just so I would have the ability to ask some really weird questions. I am so grateful that there are people like you in our society that does a task that most people wouldn't have the skill and/or emotional strength to do what you do.
I have a couple more questions (and probably will for days to come), but here are the ones that I can think of right now. A close friend of my husband's was killed in a violent motorcycle accident. When my husband went to the viewing, he said that his friend's face looked normal, but his torso, although dressed in a suit, looked really weird, sort of box-like. Almost like his torso was totally flat and squared off at the edges. What could have been the reason for that? Perhaps his torso was crushed and they used a cardboard box to replace it? Along the same lines, if the family is insistent on having an open casket and a violent death has occured, what can you do to make the person look somewhat normal? For example, a major head injury that breaks the skull open, would you try to sew it back up again or have the person wear a scarf or hat to cover up the wound? And if someone had their limbs severed, then what? Do you sew them back on or seal up the bloody ends and place them inside long sleeves? Or what if the person lost an arm in an accident, ie it wasn't retreived? Do they have fake arms or hands that can be used instead? Have you ever had a case where the family wanted an open casket no matter how horrible looking the decendent was? Thank you so much for your kind and gentle responses to some rather odd questions. I appreciate it more than you will ever know.
__________________
Any day above ground is a good day.
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#120
10-20-2007, 07:49 PM
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#121
10-20-2007, 08:10 PM
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The "boxiness" (is that a word?) of your husband's friend was probably due to the use of a "union-all," a plastic, one-piece covering for the body which is similar to a "union suit." It is made of sturdy plastic, and serves to prevent any embalming or body fluids that might leak from the remains from staining the clothing. It really takes up a lot of room underneath clothing, creating a "boxy" effect. For crushed skulls and missing limbs, there is remedy, although not necessarily always successful. It's not always pretty (for example, a wooden dowel can be used to reattach a severed head to a body,) but if enough time and effort is put in, whole faces can be restored, and wax or other compounds can be used to cover the sutures so that some modicum of normal appearance can be achieved. For a missing limb not recovered, I personally would merely fold the sleeve under the body, because a fake hand looks like...............a fake hand. It's not fooling anyone. I hope I've caught all your questions, but if I left anything out, please ask again, and accept my apologies.
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#122
10-20-2007, 09:59 PM
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I think for some, it's a habit. For others, it's an addiction. |
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#123
10-20-2007, 10:00 PM
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Hello MbalmR,
May I echo the sentiments of our fellow death hags and say that this entire thread is worth every minute it takes to read through it! Above you answered geekygirl's question in relation to "fixing up" wounds on a body in order to ensure the ability for an open casket with this... Quote:
How long do you have to do that kind of work? Is it possible to...forgive the pun...Run out of time, in a situation like that? Meaning, do the natural processes of decomposition give you a limited time to do that kind of reconstructive work? Sorry if that was wordy...
__________________
 And then, Buffy killed Edward. The End.
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#124
10-20-2007, 10:50 PM
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wow! loving this thread. thank you so much for taking the time to answer questions. my mother is a nurse and worked at john hopkin's for years and at an assisted living facility for years and i ask her so many questions. she has said many times that moving a mouth that has rigor set in (if someone dies over night and she finds them in the morning, dont want anyone thinking nursing homes dont noticed someone dead) is very hard and she has broken many jaws to close mouths because she will not let her residents families see them with mouths open and tongue hanging out.
my question is, why is so much makeup applied to hands and nails. every open casket viewing i've been to, i've noticed this and it freaks me out. i've let everyone know that when i die, make sure there is no makeup on my nails and i have a shiney top coat applied. is it mandatory to have makeup on the nails? another question, not sure if u know the answer, every once in awhile i read about funeral homes who sell body parts and bones and skin for organ harvesting. how long can someone be dead before those things are no longer viable? (i asked my mother this because she used to work in a burn unit and said that skin can last longer then other organs, but didnt know about anything else) i just thought that after someone died, it was pointless, but i keep reading about lawsuits and arrests of funeral home owners so there must be a time period where things can be removed. not suggesting that you've ever been asked to remove anything. i just find it fasicinating and sad when u hear that someone got a transplant and winded up getting hepatitus because the funeral director lied about cause of death. thank you again for answering these questions! |
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#125
10-21-2007, 02:18 AM
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#126
10-21-2007, 02:32 AM
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For ajurk: I don't know what the precise time limits are for something like tissue harvesting. Please keep in mind that harvesting skin and bone is NOT the same thing as organ donation (although we all know that the skin is the largest organ of the human body, right?)
I've heard the horror stories about funeral homes "selling" parts, but it's extremely rare. In my experience, when a person dies in a hospital, the law here requires someone--a nurse, doctor, administrator, whomever--to ask the family if they will agree to tissue harvesting. IF the family agrees, a special team is called in to harvest the tissues. This may be done either at the hospital or the funeral home. Harvest teams may take such things as skin, long bones, heart valves, corneas, etc. but they won't take whole organs such as livers, lungs, etc. Those are no longer viable. I read a statistic once that said one deceased person's donation of tissues can help at least 43 other people through the use of skin grafts for burns, bone grafts after traumatic injuries, and corneas for those whose eyesight is failing. Thus, even donating skin or bone is a wonderful gift you can give to someone else after you die. |
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#127
10-21-2007, 02:44 AM
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Ooops.......also for ajurk (I'm just waking up here, so I'm not quite as alert as I'll be in...........well, never, but I digress) regarding cosmetics:
I personally NEVER apply nail polish unless it's requested by the family OR it's obvious that the deceased enjoyed wearing polish while she was alive. I DID make sure that fingernails were spotless and well groomed, however. And I'll let you in on a little secret about me here: cleaning underneath finger nails was the ONLY thing about embalming that had the potential to bring up a gag reflex in me. I don't know why, but I didn't like it at ALL. Make up on the hands is often used to disguise unsightly discolorations, such as bruising from multiple IV injections and such. The make up used may often be very opaque, thus creating an unfortunate "made up" look, or "regular" make up might be used on the hands to match the tint of the face. When a body is laid out under those lights in the visitation area, the difference between the color of the face and hands becomes quite apparent if both aren't tinted in some way. |
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#128
10-21-2007, 08:47 AM
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I want to take a moment to thank everyone for their curiosity about funeral service, and to let you all know that I'm grateful for the opportunity to share with you my somewhat limited expertise about it. I believe this is an important dialogue; the profession has been shrouded (no pun intended) in secrecy for a long time, and all people have the right to have their questions answered openly and honestly. If I have failed to adequately answer anyone's questions, please feel free to let me know. :-)
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#131
10-21-2007, 12:56 PM
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#132
10-21-2007, 01:22 PM
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#133
10-21-2007, 06:14 PM
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Thank you for the answer, MbalmR! Fascinating stuff!
I came up with another one... Are there certain illnesses, injuries, or strange causes of death that would make the embalming process more difficult or even impossible? If so, what would the family be told if they wanted an open casket? Also...And this one is a little harder for me to ask, but since losing my Mom, I've been curious about what happened since I didn't get to see her after she passed... What kind of preperations go on BEFORE a body is cremated? Are the organs removed? Is the body cremated whole as it was when it was brought in? Sorry for the onslaught of questions...
__________________
And then, Buffy killed Edward. The End.
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#134
10-21-2007, 06:29 PM
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Did stop-smoking drug contribute to musician's death? [SIZE=1](9/19/07)[/SIZE] - Since Texas musician Carter Albrecht's bizarre and tragic death, concerns have surfaced about Chantix, the stop-smoking drug he was prescribed. Those closest to Albrecht believe the drug contributed to his death. Albrecht was the charming, charismatic keyboard player from pop-music group Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians. A classically trained pianist, Albrecht was also a singer, songwriter and guitar player. He inspired fierce loyalty among fans in his hometown of Dallas. "He was such an amazing musician," said his girlfriend Ryann Rathbone. With a solo album in the works, the 34-year-old was poised to break out on his own when a doctor warned Albrecht he might lose his soulful voice if he didn't ditch cigarettes. He asked Rathbone about the stop-smoking drug Chantix. "And then we decided that we would do it together because we decided that we wanted to quit," Rathbone told Janet St. James, who first reported this story for ABC News' Dallas affiliate WFAA. But Rathbone said that almost immediately after starting the drug, they started having vivid, often-frightening dreams a known side effect of the medication. "Nightmare kind of, hallucination kind of dreams where you don't know if it's real or not," Rathbone said. About a week into taking Chantix, after an evening of cocktails, a hallucinating Albrecht started lashing out at his confused girlfriend physically and verbally. "And the things that he was saying did not make any sense. It was like he was in a nightmare," Rathbone said. Tragic Shooting It got worse. On Sept. 5, Albrecht was shot to death on a peaceful street in Dallas after a neighbor said he was banging at the back door, yelling and ranting. On a 911 tape of the call, the neighbor says, "He was yelling. I didn't know what he was yelling, but I told him to get out of my yard." The caller's husband, Will Logg, fired what he says was a warning shot through the door. It hit Albrecht in the head. Police have said they have no plans to file charges against Logg. "I was thinking there's no way," Rathbone said. "It doesn't make any sense. None of it does." Could Chantix have contributed to Albrecht's bizarre death? Months earlier people had started posting concerns about Chantix online. There were reports of suicide. "I thought I was losing my mind," wrote one poster. Another described a "super depressed meltdown." "I remember saying that nothing is worth doing, nothing matters and I wish I was dead," said a Chantix user who wished to remain anonymous. That man says those dark feelings came out of the blue for him, too, after having a few drinks one night with his wife. There are 3 million Americans taking Chantix now, and according to Pfizer, the maker of the drug, there have been no other reports of violence related to Chantix. "We are very committed to patient safety," Ponni Subbiah, a Pfizer representative, told ABC News. "We continually monitor adverse events. To date there is no evidence to suggest that Chantix is associated with violent behavior. And I think it's important to keep in perspective that alcohol use in itself is associated with violent behavior." Worth the Risk? The pharmacy handout for Chantix warns of nausea, changes in dreaming and constipation. While there were isolated reports of psychotic and suicidal behavior associated with the drug during clinical trials, it occurred both in participants taking the drug and the placebo. Richard Honaker prescribes Chantix to patients and while he urges caution with the drug, he believes the possible risks may still be worth the benefit. "More patients by far are able to quit smoking with this drug than anything else we have," Honaker said. A 28-year-old stayed on Chantix, but quit drinking. And now, he said, "I've actually been much better." Rathbone, meanwhile, has gone public with her suspicions. "I'm completely in shock. I'm devastated and sad. I lost my soul mate. Where do you go from there?" she said. But now, she said, "I definitely want people to learn from his death." Pfizer said it is investigating the case and is committed to the safety of the product. If you experience serious side effects while taking any medication, report them to your doctor and the drug manufacturer. Copyright © 2007 ABC News Internet Ventures |
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#135
10-21-2007, 06:52 PM
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Also, one thing that I found weird was that prior to the cremation, the funeral home needed to get a permit from the city in which she was to be cremated. Can't understand this either, unless it has something to do with air pollution? In California they have something known as the Air Quality Management District (AQMD) that keeps tabs on any businesses (usually manufacturing) that release particulate (small particles of substance) into the air. This would include businesses that use spray paint, have smoke stacks, etc. We chose to view my Mom's cremation, and I know this sounds kind of strange, but we wanted to be there for her so she wouldn't be alone when she went into the oven. The crematory operator was very nice and as we watched, I asked him a couple of questions, including why we never see smoke stacks at crematories. He said they have a HUGE set of afterburners underground because people get a little freaked out if they were to see smoke (which would actually be particulates coming off the body). Another thing that was weird was the crematory operator asked us if we wanted to push the button to turn up the heat in the oven once my Mom was inside. We said no. And just for the record, there was nothing really to see, as the oven didn't have any windows. We also asked how long the cremation would take and he said it varies depending on the person's size, density of their bones, etc. Someone has since told me that overweight people take the longest and that the excess fat is drained off during the cremation. I don't know if this is actually true, only because any grease on the bottom of a self-cleaning oven gets turned to ash. The same person told me that crematories have a surcharge for decedents who are extremely obese (600 lbs or higher) because the process takes so much longer. Again, I don't know if this is true either.
__________________
Any day above ground is a good day.
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#136
10-21-2007, 07:18 PM
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It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I insisted to the guy who did the cremation that he take the sheet off of my Mom's face so I would know it was her. I only had to look for a split second - knowing it was her. Her eyes were partically open and her mouth was hanging open. It was horrible. But after that, he covered her up and we laid a few bouquets of flowers on top of her and then he slid her in (she was on a wooden flat - not in a casket). He turned it on and we hung around for about 30 minutes. It started pouring down rain and me and my sister stood there looking out at the rain. The guy doing the cremation was an elderly hispanic man, and he walked over to us and at that moment, in the pouring rain, part of the sky opened up and a light shone down in the midst of the rain. He looked up and pointed at the spot and told us when that happens, it means a soul has gone up to heaven. We are not a religious family, but I found it really touching and sweet. The funeral home that handled the removal of my Mom from the house and the cremation were really nice and took really good care of her. I sent them a "thank you" card after we got her ashes. |
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#137
10-21-2007, 10:25 PM
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Certain injuries can make embalming difficult and more time consuming, but not necessarily impossible. In the case of a severely mangled corpse, for example, the funeral director has a duty to warn the family that they may not be pleased with the outcome of the procedure, despite our very best efforts. We tell them what to expect, and the "leave the casket open or closed" decision remains up to them. Certain illnesses may also make embalming less effective or more problematic. Three examples I can think of off hand are kidney diseases (the ammonia in urine neutralizes formaldehyde, rendering it weak or ineffective) people who have been on life support (I don't know why, but their tissues don't take fluid very well,) and arteriosclerosis (hardening of the arteries,) for reasons which are obvious. There are many other examples, but this should illustrate that each case is different, and requires of the embalmer a keen eye for analysis of the condition of the body prior to embalming. Oddly enough, when it's our turn to go to work, we don't always know what the person died of. We have to make educated guesses based on the condition of the body. It's tricky! In Wisconsin, the only legal requirement for treating a body prior to cremation is that sanitary care must be provided. This is a thorough washing of the body with a disinfectant type of soap. If the time between death and cremation shall exceed 72 hours, and no refrigeration is available, the body must be embalmed. The body is cremated as it comes to us--nothing removed--unless the family wants something back, such as a necklace or a wedding ring. (And we always ASK. Heck, if the family wants the hospital gown back, it's theirs!) Last edited by MbalmR; 10-21-2007 at 10:57 PM. |
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#138
10-21-2007, 10:37 PM
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For geekygirl: I don't know why a crematory would be concerned about metal hip joints and such, but the pacemaker IS a big deal. Apparently, they have the potential to explode in the retort (cremation chamber) and create damage to the interior. The rest is just removed using a very strong magnet after the cremation is complete.
It is true that obese bodies require some special attention prior to cremation, but the only advice I've ever gotten was that the body should be refrigerated prior to cremation. I do not know of any crematories in my area which would charge more for an obese individual, however. |
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#139
10-21-2007, 10:43 PM
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Oops! Also for geekygirl: whenever cremation takes place, a permit is required. Not for air pollution standards, but because cremation is SO final. Follow me on this.......let's say a person is buried after having died under suspicious circumstances. If for some reason the body needs to be exhumed later for further investigation, fine. But with cremation, there's nothing left! No evidence. Thus, a permit is required, signed by either a coroner or a medical examiner, and they will sign only AFTER the body has been viewed by them as professionals with the proper training to note any suspicious wounds, etc.
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#140
10-22-2007, 10:38 AM
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#141
10-22-2007, 12:54 PM
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#142
10-22-2007, 02:08 PM
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I am not ready yet either... I keep saying one of these days. I have tried before, so I know I will again, but just not know, I guess.
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#143
10-22-2007, 05:02 PM
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We requested a portion of my Mom's cremains from the funeral home, as my brother, sister, father and I were all given small silver "prayer box" necklaces to hold a tiny portion. I never wear mine, it kinda creeps me out to be honest...but I do have it safely tucked away in it's box. We were kind of amazed at the amount of cremains they gave us. The funeral home director who gave them over to me assured me that it was a very small portion...*blinks* The receptacle it's in is quite heavy, and the bag inside, about the size of one of those huge ziploc bags (for lack of a better description) is almost completely full!  I did go through a moment where I wondered how much of my Mom is actually buried in her plot...but I did some research online and finally assured myself that there was a lot more than what we have here. Another thing was, when the portion of cremains was handed over to me at the funeral home, I was given an envelope, and was instructed to keep it with the cremains at all times. What is that piece of paper? If it's some kind of "permit" (again, lack of a better term) could my family and I get in trouble for the tiny portion of cremains we put in our necklaces?
__________________
And then, Buffy killed Edward. The End.
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#144
10-22-2007, 06:08 PM
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ok...got a question to help on another thread
If a body is autopsied but isn't released from the morgue until a week or so after autopsy does that make embalming more difficult to near impossible? Some are wondering how Daniel Smith would have looked 39 days after dead laid out and why Anna Nicole couldn't be viewed My dad always explained to me..the faster embalming can be done the better and that autopsy can affect the outcome depending on how quickly embalming can be done....from what I understood about DS was that he was embalmed a couple of days after the 2nd autopsy and then stored at the funeral home but with ANS she was at the morgue for as high as 10-12 days without being embalmed...within 2-3 days the M.E. said she was "breaking down" rapidly would that be because they waiting too long to embalm her even though she was fridged? Sorry for the long question but on the Daniel and Anna thread we're knocking heads...thank you! |
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#145
10-22-2007, 07:44 PM
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Quote:
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#146
10-22-2007, 07:58 PM
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Quote:
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#147
10-22-2007, 08:46 PM
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How sweet of the elderly man to tell you what he did. He is truly an angel on earth. God bless all of the people in the funeral industry that can help others so beautifully in their time of need!
__________________
Any day above ground is a good day.
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#148
10-23-2007, 04:44 AM
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For geekygirl: I can relate to your sense of "relief." When my mother died, suddenly and unexpectedly at home, I felt a mixture of shock and relief (my mother was an alcoholic, and I went through 20 years of all the drama that is usually associated with the disease.)
When my dad died, it was after a time of him lingering for a couple of months after a fall which broke his hip. He was extremely abusive toward me during his time in hospital, a nursing home, and finally under hospice care. I understand that he was angry and frightened about what was happening to him, but it was very stressful for me because I suddenly didn't recognize him (he had never been an angry man in all his 83 years until then) and because I had to make all the decisions about his health care myself. (Brings up the self-doubt issues in me, like most things do.) OK, so do I have a point? I do, believe it or not--two of them. I empathize with your feelings. And you're right to have them. Also, I've been asked several times which is harder: losing someone to a lingering illness or a quick and unexpected death. The answer is that BOTH suck!!! Before my experience with it, I would have said that a lingering illness "allows family a time to say their good byes," but that's a load of bollocks. It's true, the time is there, but that doesn't ease the pain AT ALL. Does anyone else have any thoughts about this? I'd love to hear your opinions, your stories. |
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#149
10-23-2007, 05:57 AM
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I just wanted to say thankyou for the time you have spent answering questions on here. I have found it fascinating though I admit that I do not want to know about the tricor (spelt right?). Even without fully knowing what this is, I have decided I do not want to be embalmed.
It sounds like more care is taken in your wortk over there than over here (are there any Ukers with this experience here). When my grandmother died, I remember her mouth didnt look right and they hadn't done her hair. And when my beloved grandfather died, I remember seeing the bruises still on his hands from IVs and a fall he had (there was a bruise on one of his fingers). You had mentioned makeup on the hands/nails. But I will say that they both looked 'cared for' but I don't hold with the saying 'they look asleep', they didn't - they looked dead! Keep up the great work you do - those left behind need such reassurance their loved ones are being cared for before the inevitable burial/cremation. |
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#150
10-23-2007, 11:13 AM
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My mom died suddenly on June 11th age of 66 years old. She woke up not feeling good, i nagged at her for hours to go to the hospital, she finally went after a few hours, then died 6 hours from a aortic aneurysm. And At first i was in shock to the point i was so sick, then after a few hours i felt like it was my fault (even though i know it wasn't but still) I lived 1200 miles away. I was like if i was home i could of gotten to the hospital in time, I could of been there so she known I was there. But I got to talk to her on the phone 6 hours before she passed which i will treasure, we got to say i love yous and stuff, which im happy i got to hear, but still to this day i go through my emotions, I'm no longer in the why god, why did you do this phase. But i still think about it, where its like could i have done more, or i miss you so much i don't think i can go on for another 60 years of my life not having her. I was super super close to her, we talked on the phone 4 times a day, 2 house each time, and we did that ever since i moved out at 18. I went back to Omaha every 6 months to spend 1 month with my parents. And the damn holidays are coming up, I'm hoping i can keep myself together at least for my daughter. I heard its hard the first year when they passed, but I'm not looking forward to it. Any death sucks to high hell. But the sudden ones I think its a little harder, due to it all thrown in your face and at that moment in time, its like wtf do i do now, and you just gotta deal with everything till that person is cremated or buried and after you got some time to breath, thats when the true emotions kick in. But as a death that is lingering due to illness, yea I'm sure its very stressful and painful, but to me you kinda mentally prepare and you know ok i may have a time frame of 10 years til this person goes, and if they go sooner, i already knew they were doing to go due to this illness. Granted its hard no matter what, but thats how i look at it. Thats the last pic of my mom and my daughter in April. I stayed up there for an extra month, so I'm happy we got to spend 2 months together before her passing. I got this pic up on the kitchen fridge, and my 3 year old smiles at times and goes thats grandma, grandma died. She is an angel now in heaven, and i love and miss her. I freaking kills me to hear her say that or see her with her little lip poking out and say mommy can we call heaven so i can say i love you grandma. The other pic is our little memorial service we had at home. My mom liked things simple. We put all her fave things up there, fave pics with her grandkids, she loved horses, her fave yellow flowers, the works. We had friends and family come over,look at pics, write stuff in the book, hold her urn, and listen to her fave songs. It was the most peaceful thing i ever experience in that house that day. I think she was proud and happy to see all of us together as a family. Last edited by rjbrasher; 10-23-2007 at 11:33 AM. |
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